Dear DiaryAgainst my better judgement, I'm posting the meat of an email I sent to a friend. Some people I know apparently read this to find out what's happening in my life, so here you go. If I had a diary, it might read something like this:
Has my week got brighter as it's gone on? No, would be the short answer to that one. Stop reading now if you don't want to know and claim Option A:
(a) pretend that you never read this
As I think about it now so many thoughts are going through my head, not least of them, 'Just deal with it ya wuss!'. Which is what also makes it hard to verbalise...or email-ise (which is much less intimidating than the old face-to-face, tet-a-tet, showdown, as it were). :) A wry smile from me, cuz it could be funny, but I'm just not feeling it.
So long (HACK) story (CHOP) short, I feelllllllllllllllll (it's coming) lllllllllll immature. Sounds stupid for me to say it...unless it's fairly well recognised by others, I don't know. Not in a oh-you-childish-prankster-funny-haha kind of way, but in my everyday dealings, my reaction to life in general, and my relationship with God. It manifests itself in other ways (eg laziness re:study), but I think that's the root cause of what's making me 'unhappy'. Moreso that I know what the problem is, and haven't been able to change it. Unable...unwilling? I just don't know.
I'm still up (1.45am) because I'm trying to get an assignment done that's due today (Fri). I'm not trying as hard as I should be, which is why I haven't handed in the one that was due yesterday, and am wondering, based on some general emails about a third subject, whether I'm going to fail that because of some other stuff that should probably be handed in today as well... Sometimes it just feels like the whole building's coming down, and there's nowhere to go.
[imagine 25 minutes here of re-reading that line, thinking about what it really means, trying to somehow explain it, deleting, repeat]
I don't know if 'crisis of faith' is an accurate description or not - probably. Hence the emotion on the weekend and on Sunday night. And yet, here I am again...apparently unchanged. It bites.
So I've gone with Option E:
(e) let me know what is going on and tell me if I can make things easier for you.
Make things easier for me? No idea. ... All the talk in the world doesn't fix inaction, and that's all me. Having said that, it seems pointless to have told you all this. And yet I have.
the earley edition - Posted by Dave @ 10/08/2004 02:55:00 am || ||